Some of the questions you need to answer before saying ‘I do.’

Femi Fasanya singlesaffair1@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

Interestingly every human on the face of the earth, all have one craving and that is the desire to be successful in every endeavor they get involved in. This desire has resulted in the production of films and publications on success in areas such as marriage, chosen career, politics, etc.

Since this write up is on relationships, you will find lots of love stories, both animated and otherwise, about how love can make a relationship lead to a successful marriage. The presence or absence of love then is a deciding factor for most people when going into a relationship that hopefully will lead into marriage. The problem with these stories however, is that they conceal the fact that there are no marriages without challenges. Many have gotten married with a mental image of beauty and the beast story, believing that a kiss will turn a beastly man into a prince; experience soon taught them however that the reverse was the case, the beast remained a beast. In real life scenario, a kiss after saying I do, never turns an irresponsible fellow into a responsible one.

I need to awake you to the reality that success doesn’t come easily; it’s a product of wisdom and hard work. If you really desire to have a successful marriage in future, there is a need to be practical, open minded and wise in the kind of person that you date and chose to eventually marry. I love a statement made by Poju Oyemade, which says said we are all ignorant in all subjects of life. I have met singles who are too smart for their own good; they carry an air of I know what I want, and I don’t need other people’s opinion on the issues of my relationship. It hurts when I meet singles like these, with this air around them, because I have over the years come to realize that people who have challenges in their marriage the most are those who wouldn’t listen to other people’s sincere opinions about their relationships when they were singles. This makes the Nigerian proverbial saying true that, ‘The dog that will get lost will not listen to the whistle of the hunter (its owner).’

Before you say I do, please consider the following questions and answer them truthfully not sincerely; the reason is because you can be sincerely wrong but can’t be truthfully wrong. Here are some of the questions that you need to look into…

How alive is your past (have you let go of your former lover)?

How forgiving are you?

Do you have control over your sexual appetite (don’t be deceived that sex is a hold on men, it will only leave you with a man who will never trust you.)?

What do you know about conflict management? Have you discovered your purpose for living?

Can you discern when your motive for doing a thing is wrong and then make a u-turn to do the right thing?

How much of the opposite sex do you know?

Who are your friends (the companies you keep go a long way to determine who gets attracted to you)?

Are you trustworthy (can you be trusted with words, money and sex?)?

Are you productive or still dependant on people for your livelihood?

Do you know your role as a potential husband/wife?

Are you secretive about your past/open about it? Are you patient to study a thing/ you just get things done by impulse?

What have you learnt from your parents’ marriage?

Do you have any spiritual challenge(s) in your family?

Don't fall in love

(The secret that couples with successful marriages know before they got married.) Femi Fasanya singlesaffair@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

Why do people get married? The answer is mainly out of love; ; a strong emotional feeling that cause an attraction between two people to the point that they believe that they can’t do without each other. So they take the initiative of consolidating the relationship by getting married. Why then is it that years later, the two love birds come to a conclusion that divorce is the only option to saving their souls? The answer to that is; the emotion people call love is not strong enough to build a successful marriage on. Hollywood and Nollywood, have painted a picture of love as meeting a person who will be out of this world, and in less than two hours of the film they are married with a happily ever after conclusion. So people who are given to this films, when they meet someone who their heart skip a beat for, they make a conclusion that this is the love of their lives.

One of the horrifying things about what people call love, is the blinding effect on those who are given to it. You just can’t see reasons with someone who has being engulfed by this love feeling; it’s like talking to a zombie, a walking dead. I have counseled singles that are into relationship that a red signal is obviously flashing on, but irrespective of how much I tried to make them look objectively into the state of their relationship, often times the counsel seems like throwing a ball on a wall- it bounces back. This is the state I call falling in love.

Another is the madding effect, falling in love give to them that are trapped by it. You have probably heard someone say; I am crazy about her/him, it is a statement common with people who fall in love. If you observe a man that is suffering from psychosis and a person who falls in love, you will discover that they both live in a world of illusion; a world of their own. If you observe them, you will notice some similar trends in their behavior, some of these trends are… Crazy people do not listen to others; they always conclude that they are okay while others are the ones that are crazy. People who are crazy about someone also do not listen to advice that conflicts with their feelings. Crazy people have lost their mind. People who are crazy about someone also experience the same loss of mind, i.e. loss of control of their thinking faculty.

Permit me to say that People who fall get up with pains in their body. So also people who fall in love get up with a broken heart, unforgiveness, sometimes with psychosis, and suicide tendency. Kemi Dayo-Aiyetan said, ‘Love shouldn’t be blind; you love with your eyes wide open and your senses intact.’ When your love makes your heart to skip a beat in the presence of your partner, then you need to sit down and let your mind ruminate on the relationship you are in objectively before you take it to the next level.

I will like to share with you a more excellent way of having a successful relationship; I call it walking in love. Rather than fall in love and not have a speed break, it is better to walk in love and be able to control your speed. My perception of walking in love is developing relationship with a person based on knowledge, long time relationship, and friendship rather than a spontaneous feeling that has no foundation to hold the relationship to the level of marriage, which requires a till life do us part commitment.

One of the advantages of walking in love is that your eyes are open. When you are walking with someone, you open your eyes. It implies that the relationship is based on knowledge not on feelings of love alone. It is a love that is based on what you know about the person out of your interactions together over a period of time rather than what happens in a fairy tale manner. Couples who paid the price of opening their eyes before making the decision to get married are now enjoying that decision. The instructions that Jesus gave is watch and pray that you should not enter into temptation, I believe that he gave the instruction because he knew that people like playing spirituality instead of doing what is required of them.

Another is that your speed is progressive. When you walk in love, (Knowing one another better is progressive) you don’t move at an alarming speed in the relationship. When people fall in love, emotions becloud their sense of reasoning and not too long in the relationship they start engaging in sexual intimacy. The progressiveness in this type of love enhances deeper friendship, and commitment on the part of the parties involve. It enhances stability in the relationship which is vital for a successful marriage in the future.

*Feel free to mail this blog to whoever you want.

Things people do wrong that destroys relationship.

Femi Fasanya singlesaffair@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

I accept the statement of Pastor Eric Obigho as true that ‘Man was created first for relationship before responsibility.’ If all that you do in life is carry out responsibilities without developing relationships, you will end up a failure and your memory will fade away when you die. Apart from your relationship with God (that is if you are smart enough to accept that a Creator exists), the second most vital relationship in your life is the person you will get married/you are married too.

There are things that people do wrong that end up breaking these vital relationship in their lives; my desire is that you will not make the same mistake. There is a therefore a need for you to be knowledgeable, because relationships don’t just succeed, it requires the individuals involve in it to do things right. Here are five things that I have over the years observe destroy relationships…

Wrong use of words- Words are powerful; they have the ability to create and destroy. I believe strongly that a large number of relationships that broke were because of the use of foul words by either/both parties involved. One of the relationships I broke up with before I got married was because the lady in question used a foul word on me that my ego couldn’t tolerate, so I moved on.

Men are egocentric by nature, they can’t stand words by their partners which are aimed at comparing them in a demeaning manner with another person and they can’t stand their partners using authoritative words on them. While their female counterpart can’t stand the use of insultive words.

You need to learn to use your discretion; as a lady in being honest to your partner about your past, you don’t go telling him that twenty men had slept with you. I believe that some of the troubles between wives and their in-laws after marriage stems from the men they were dating not managing information about their families properly.

Premarital sex- Sheriff Shomade said, ‘There is nothing as sweet as sexual intercourse (when it is done outside of the confine of marriage) on the face of the earth, but it’s a perilous slide to destruction.’ Every time you allow anyone have the attention of your genital that you are not married to, you loose something. One of the things you will loose is the foundation of a successful relationship which is trust. I read a statistics once that states that over 51% of couples who are divorced were sexually involved with one another before marriage.

Sexual intercourse outside of the confine of marriage may look harmless, but it’s really destructive in the long run on the relationship that you are trying to keep. I will like to share with every lady that will read this article this truth, men will likely to get married to women that they trust in the area of sexual intercourse than the ones that they have feelings people call love for. I also want every lady involve in sexual intercourse to prove me wrong, that if you stop allowing your partner from getting sexually involve with you again, the relationship will naturally disintegrate. When you allowed him to get sexually involved with you, you shifted his attention from you to your genitals and permit me to say this, most men love free non committed sex.

Being irresponsible- People want a partner that is responsible in the area of productivity; we all are proud when we can say to others how well our partners are doing. No one wants to marry/stay with a leach after marriage.

Why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men.

singlesaffair1@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

Interestingly, one should expect that as a male writer, I should write on why ‘good’ men get married to ‘bad’ women (someday I know I will be tempted to do a write up on that); however, I choose these write up because I really sympathize with women who find themselves in the hands of wrong men. The emotional impact of a failed relationship, tells more on females than their male counterpart.

I heard a research done by an individual in one of the psychiatric hospital in the western part of Nigeria (not confirmed though), that 70% of the female inmate got there because of a wrong choice of relationship with the opposite sex. They either caught their husband with their sister in bed or with their best friend or with other women, etc. Women have also known to attempt suicide because they got dumped by the men they gave their heart too. So it’s out of concern for the female that I am doing these write up first. To get to my point, I will like to tell a story that I pieced together from different women I have counseled over the years and polished to suit what I am writing on. So it’s really not a story of any particular individual but a combination of many individuals…

Lara was a lady that you will readily love at first sight; brilliant, loving, caring, and respected in the community she lives in with her parent.

Right from her early years, she has always stretched out a helping hand to those who have needs. She spent time twice in a week to do community service by taking care of the aged in the home built for them. She took time to cook their lunch, do their laundry and listen to them talk to her about those issues that are pressing in their minds.

She finished with a good grade in the university; got a well paying job and all went well for her until she got married to Peter. Then everyone seems to notice that she has become a shadow of herself; she had lost that glow she always carried. Now she cries and lives in constant regret of getting married, to a husband whom she never believed will turn out to be a beast. Severally occasions, he had physically molested her.

To some single women, the story is a true life picture of the heartlessness of men since they may have gone through a terrible experience with men. To other singles (especially women), these question will pop into their minds; how could such a lovely lady like that have gotten married to such a beast? The answer to this question is the reason for this article. There is a need for women who are not married to be sensitive and to seek knowledge before giving their consent to a marriage proposal.

I have observed that one of the reasons for a wrong choice of a partner is that they allowed their emotion go hare wire; due to the emotional state of women, it’s easy for them to ignore warning signs in the relationship that they are in, all in the name of love. Like a sheep lead to the slaughter they keep on with a relationship that it’s obvious wasn’t going to lead to a successful marriage, all in the name of I love him. Years after marriage those who got into marriage because they were crazy about their partner soon come to their senses but with a lamentation of, had I known.

Another reason for the wrong choice of partner is due to being caught in the trap of the way Hollywood and Nollywood define love. In the romantic films you will find story lines of people who found love and in less than two hours they both find love and end up with a married live that appears to be heaven on earth. When a character like the men they admire in the movie comes their way, they get attracted to the person. Some of these women also listen to love songs, which awaken their emotions that made them prone to being attracted to men who show some level of care to them.

The truth is that most of these films and songs only carry a false impression of the reality of relationship, especially that of marriage. Do a research into the lives of those that have sang love songs, written or acted love films, you will find that very few of them have successful marriages.

I have observe an increase quest amongst single women for the spectacular in choosing a partner; some women got married on the basis of the prediction of a diviner/an experience they had and live with regrets today. Women who are susceptible to this mistake the most are those who are desperate to get married due to their age and others are those who think too highly of the person that came up with that line.

Pastor Bimbo Odukoya gave the following advise, “Your choice of a marriage partner is entirely your decision and, moreover, you are free to choose anyone you like. That, however, is as far as your freedom goes, for once you have chosen, you are bound by the responsibilities that go with your choice.” When single women shut out logical in determine who to get married too, they often end up regret that decision later in life.

*Feel free to mail this blog to whoever you want.

Who is behind that mask?

singlesaffair@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

It’s so easy to fall in love with an exotic lady; beautiful, alluring, educated and sexy (most men are not honest enough that sexy is part of their criteria for a choice of partner.). Once a man sight a lady that physically appeals to him, a part of him wants to grab before other daring men decide to take the leap. Prove me wrong; women who put on alluring clothing attract more attention than women who dress decent.

I feel that every man who is single should learn to operate on using their brains rather than their groin. One question that the brain will try to find an answer for is the question, who is behind the mask? That is the question to answer before you talk about relationship with the opposite sex that may lead to marriage. Below is a story to buttress my point…

Dare met Jane in the party of a dear friend, she was beauty personified. Though other guys were after her, yet she picked interest in him and sticked to him till the end of the party. He got to know a lot about her afterwards, he discovered that she was intelligent, ambitious and hard working. He however, found out that whenever he wants to make a proposal for a more intimate relationship than the one they have, there was unease in him. He seems to believe that there is more about her that she was hiding from him.

Dan one of Dare’s friend was the one that reveal the likely reason why he had unease within him about Jane when he attended a get together organized by his company which her organization is one of their subsidiary. She was one of those that represented her organization. He heard her staff members talking about her beauty, but how cheap she was. They quietly talked about the number of men in her organization who she had sex with because of her ambition to get to the top. When David told Dare about this discovery, he did his investigation and found out that it was true. He still maintained a level of friendship with her until she got married to another man.

When stories like this are written, women are easily seen as irresponsible, this is not the impression that I want to give. The essence of this article is for the men to get it into their brains that physical attraction such as good physique, charisma, etc, though good, should not be the primary reason for getting into intimate relationship with the opposite sex. Often times there are more to a person than meet the eye; Peter Deneries said, “The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with the personality, but we must live with a character.”

Permit me to ask you a question if you are in a relationship already, how much of your partner do you know? Who are her friends? What are her flaws? Do you believe that she will stay true to her marital vow of men faithful to you? Beyond all that looks and finesse she exhibits who really is behind that mask?

I was once single (I have being married for over 5years), and their were women who I found attractive but didn’t get married too; it doesn’t imply that they were evil, untrustworthy, ugly etc. However, to have a successful marriage, there are secondary and primary issues that ones need to consider which is a core determinant every man that is single should consider. The primary issues include knowing her commitment to the religion she belongs too; can she be an effective helpmate in ones life; god character; emotional stability and being productive. Secondary issues are her looks; her shape; finesse, etc.

Collins Joan said is true that, “The problem with beauty is that it is like being born rich and getting poorer.”

The note made by the author of Dake Annotated Bible of King Solomon's advice to you says, “Grace of manner is deceitful and beauty of form and feature will fade, but the woman that fears the Lord shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

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Signs of trouble in a relationship.

singlesaffair1@yahoo.com, +2348037257479, +2348083906405

Daniel and Emmanuela had being dating for over a year; however, it is obvious that Daniel wasn’t in control of the relationship. Emmanuela often have her way in discussions, where they go, etc, it was quite obvious that she was the one in charge. Though Daniel didn’t like some of her behavior which includes bossing him around in the presence of people, yet he went ahead with the wedding arrangement.

Two years into the marriage, Daniel mind snapped and he gave her the beating of her life because she practically white washed him in the party they were both invited too. Today both live in regret for the choice of partner they made, though they love one another yet the feeling has not stopped the arguments they have when they are together. Though they have tried to reconcile their differences, yet their relationship have not improved.

If you look around you, you’ll find people like Daniel and Emmanula, who didn’t put into consideration certain negative trend in their partner’s behavioral pattern until after marriage. Someone said 'Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener.' I will like to share with you some obvious signs that you shouldn’t ignore before considering marriage.

When there is no mutual respect- If you are dating and your partner doesn’t respect you in front of his/her family members, friends, etc, it is sign of an impending trouble if the relationship leads to marriage. The person you are dating should respect your feelings, opinions on issues, friends, etc and this should be vice versa.

When you don’t vocalize your feeling- It is so easy to bottle up pains, and try to bury them all because we don’t want to hurt others. However, this is destructive to the individual involve, the reason is because unsettled issues always finds its way out in the open. Usually when a person really becomes frustrated he/she may go in to a tantrum and lots of hurtful things will be said which would have better been said earlier.

When you don’t enjoy things in common- Ray Mossholder said, 'Before marriage opposite attracts. After marriage, a husband and wife begin to discover how opposite they are.' You will never really be happy if you don’t enjoy what you partner enjoys, and if he/she don’t enjoy what you do enjoy doing. Some people try to please their partner by trying to enjoy what he/she likes, but in the end they get frustrated.

When you will not listen to the opinion of others about your prospective spouse- A Nigerian proverb says, ‘A dog that is doomed to be lost will ignore the whistle of its master.’ When you close your ears to godly counsel about the relationship that you are in, you are setting yourself up for a lot of trouble in the future with your partner. Never forget that you cannot watch your own back, you need people to do that for you- your parents, friends, Pastor, neighbor of your partner, etc. Godly counsels matter if you want to have a successful marital future.